Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
