When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
