Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
...so i touched it.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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