i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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