I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
