Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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