If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
