then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
