Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
