Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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