I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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