SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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