Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
