Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
