I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found puke in my bra..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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