Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
