my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
