I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
