I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The air taste purple.
Randomize
