Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
