Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize