I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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