I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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