Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
