i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize