I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Two words: nipple clamps
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