someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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