hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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