Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
