people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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