There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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