I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When are your genitals available?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
