rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
