A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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