I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
