just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
