It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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