There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
