I didn't shave. On purpose
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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