Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
