You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
