why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize