i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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