i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
