Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
