her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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