Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I came so hard my ears popped.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
