I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Floor bacon is actually really good
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