walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
