just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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