She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
