i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
