I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
