Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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