Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
