My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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