So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
