The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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