Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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