I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
