I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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