Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
