Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
