One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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